Every second of the night, I live another life.
These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside
Every moment I'm awake, the further I'm away.
-- Heart, These Dreams
I really admire those who already have plans for their future. Not that I don't have my own, but it's inspiring and encouraging to know that there are some people who actually have their plans laid out in an early stage of their life. For example, this Education major I know have already experienced "epiphany" and have planned for his future academic career. His plans are written in his Multiply blog Driven By Inspiration of Math: The Big Picture .
It's really okay to dream big.... as Vicky Morales always say in her Saturday program, "libre ang mangarap." But sometimes, pursuing that dream can mean sacrifices or heartaches along the way.
Before I went to UP, I have always wanted to be a Math teacher. It's a dream reinforced by my success in competitions as well as inspired by my Math teachers in elementary and high school. When I went to UP as a BS Math students, I held on to that dream even if I need to take BS Math just to temper the disagreement between me and my guardians - they really don't want me to take Education. I just said to them, "may ibang trabahong makukuha ang BS Math bukod sa pagtuturo."
Needless to say, I bungled my attempt to finish my degree on time - it took me n years to do it (guess what the value of n is..., it's not a sufficiently large natural number, though). Until now I feel that I sholud've done better so that I can fulfill my dream. Unfortunately, many circumstances hindrered me along the way, with some being my own fault and some beyond my control. But still, I wished I can ahowcase my Math teaching prowess anywhere even if I don't have the good grades to show them.
That's why I decided to apply in UP.
Which, much to my regret, is another unfortunate event.
Five years of teaching in UP made me realize that pursuing something you want to do is difficult if you pursue it by sticking yourself to something you CANNOT do. In that case, taking a degree I cannot even finish in 2 or 3 years! Admittedly, I did that just to stay in UP and teach students in the best possible way that I can - and show those who can't even teach properly that there is still hope that students can find GOOD teachers in Math in UP.
I don't care if I am only hired part time then - I was happier being a lecturer back then than being promoted and accomplished nothing. And I don' care if I really DON'T LIKE the course I'm taking! I just wanted to teach. And just to stay alive, I even blindly agreed to be reclassified so that I can teach more students - sana na lang hindi ko na lang ginawa kasi ilang beses din naman nilang gustong pigilan, eh.
Unfortunately, that decision was the BIGGEST MISTAKE I EVER DID IN MY LIFE.
I then realized - the hard way, actually - that teaching is almost NOTHING there. You need the MS and the PhD to be "mathematically mature" and to be "excellent in Math". You need to please the "powers that be" to get that degree and stay alive.
I even asked myself: what's the use of an MS or a PhD in life, hah? Are they needed to pursue a dream? Do I need to subject myself to the whims of others just to pursue my dream and what I really want to do? Are those theories REALLY needed in life? Do Mathematics also need good teachers to pursue excellence in Math? Why pressure them to be in the pure side (pardon me, it's actually a contradiction to the TRUE meaning of "pure")? Students deserve to have good teachers with BS than those pathetic ones with MS or PhD masquerading as "experts". Non-math students deserve TEACHERS, not just those "EXCELLENT" in math. Mathematicians should just concentrate shaping students who REALLY want to pursue a career in Math.
Now, after more than five months out of there, I'm still alive without the MS I should've obtained. I can still tutor, write blogs, surf the net, do chores, and search for jobs even without the MS. I also pursued what I really wanted: math teaching. So I shifted to the MA MAth program to underscore my true desire in life: teaching.
Even if I'm still reeling in regret, I'm a bit thankful that I'm no longer there. I now realize that what a good professor told me is true: "mas makakabuti 'yun sa 'yo". Yes, I think it's better to pursue my career discreetly - even if it's in the SAME University. I'll just quietly finish my MA and apply in other schools where I might be more welcome. Then I'll pursue my PhD in Math Education if my brain can still handle it - that is, if I still can't make do without Sustagen Premium or Memoplus Gold. After getting my PhD, I might get an insanity attack and go back to UP. And while pursuing my career, baka marami rin akong i-career for extra money :p I'll also continue my faith in the Lord and service in the Church, since God gives me more strength and courage to face my life than having an MS....
Inspiring as it may seem, those "dreams" of others I konw can waver my heart a little, opening up regrets I had in the past. But as I try to hang on and survive this ordeal, I will still pursue the things I really wanted to do. And with the help of God, I can sing this song to myself:
la la la la I'll sing my song,
with my face toward the sky.
la la la la It's my life
I'll walk on
Using my own strength
to go forward along this endless road.
a la la la I'll sing my song,
with my face toward the sky.
la la la la It's my life
I'll walk on
It's something that's mine alone,
so I guess I can have some confidence in myself**
At this point, I have to stop my tears from falling....
**English translation of the choruses of Tooi Kono Machi De, theme song of the first Cardcaptor Sakura movie (from http://www.animelyrics.com).
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